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Virtually every termite colony has a stand-up comedian, every bit as unfunny as the human counterpart, and we were fortunate to be able to record this Stand-Up monologue by Termite comedian 'T-Funny' at 'The Laugh Locker', a Termite Comedy Club.

"Hey everybody, I just swarmed over from that rotting log next door, and my wings are falling off! I didnít think it was a very long a flight, but there was a little turbulence. Like when all ten thousand of us stormed out of the last nest with our cute new Queens. Letís hear it for the Queens. Iíve always felt the more Queens, the better! If youíre one of us reproductives, you know what I mean. How many of you came from the last nest? All of you? Right? I thought so. If you didnít come over with the swarm, then youíre too young to be in this bar! Was that other nest crowded or what? It was so crowded over there, they made the soldiers keep their big jaws outside. I had to leave my back wings at the front door. It was so hot, so crowded, and it smelled so bad. I thought I was in an ant hill. Speaking of ant hills, can you believe that people think our African termite mounds are ant hills? As if. Theyíre ants, not engineers. Last time I saw an ant in a termite mound, he was cut in half. Hey why donít fire ants and red ants mate? Their larva would be too lazy to bite.

 If you ask me, ants are living proof that wasps mated with slugs. Ants wish they were termites. For one thing, ants have wing envy. And they have a little, bitty thorax, ever noticed that? There canít be much of a brain in there. The only thing dumber than an ant is two ants. How many ants does it takes to change a light bulb? Ten Million. 9,999,999 to cut and stack the blades of grass and one to change the bulb. An ant walked into a termite bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, who was a soldier termite, said, ďWe donít have very many ants come in here.Ē The ant said, ďWhy, is your beer warm? Are the girls cold? Are your prices too high?Ē The bartender soldier suddenly cuts off the antís thorax with his pincers and said, ďI donít know.Ē Ants are so dumb. They live in a tree and donít eat the wood! And have you smelled their pheromones? Whew! No wonder they always find their way back to the nest. I wouldnít touch an ant with a ten-foot antenna. I wouldnít touch an ant with your antennae, as far as that goes. How many of you males here are thorax men? Not me. Iíve got a thorax of my own and Iím not impressed. I donít like legs either. I like a great, big abdomen. I want a mate with an abdomen so big it takes me a day to walk around it. I want an abdomen so big I need a GPS device to find my way home. Iím gonnaí pack a lunch and camp out on that big abdomen until Iíve mapped it like the human genome project. What about yesterdayís swarm, anyway? All those bodies flying every way, wings furiously flapping, sounding like zuzuvelas! And that was just in Madonnaís wooden leg. Speaking of Madonna, sheís the only one I know whoís had more lovers than our last Queen. That last Queen of ours, boy, did she have some stretch marks or what? She was so distended that she had an entire colony trapped under her--the colony of Williamsburg. She said sheís only had three matesóthe last generation of termites and the two before that. What about that poison people spray around their houses? Oooooh, Iím so scared. Iím getting so immune, I started using it for cologne until it killed my last date. She was pretty young, though, and hadnít built up a tolerance. The way I see it, what doesnít kill a termite, just makes him mad. Nietzsche said that, I think. Seriously, though, people should just leave a pile of two by fours out in the yard for us. I like eating two by fours. Iíd leave their home alone if they did that, wouldnít you? I donít eat much. A two by four would feed me, my wife, and all the kids for a thousand generations. I heard this comedy club sometimes pays their comics with rubber checks. I prefer wooden nickels. I can spend them or eat them. These lights are so hot, I feel like Iím being fried in my own fat. Can you believe people eat termites? I guess that doesnít surprise me, since weíre so soft and tasty, especially our Queens, but people also eat those ants with the hard shells. YUK! People put anything in their mouths! Thanks for coming to this part of the log for the show, Ďmites. Iíll be here all decade with matinees on Sunday. Try the pulp in the buffet and donít forget to tend your larva."

Written by Leroy, designed by Laurie, Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved