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Virtually every termite colony has a stand-up comedian, every bit as unfunny as the human counterpart, and we were fortunate to be able to record this Stand-Up monologue by Termite comedian 'T-Funny' at 'The Laugh Locker', a Termite Comedy Club.

"Hey everybody, I just swarmed over from that rotting log next door, and my wings are falling off! I didn’t think it was a very long a flight, but there was a little turbulence. Like when all ten thousand of us stormed out of the last nest with our cute new Queens. Let’s hear it for the Queens. I’ve always felt the more Queens, the better! If you’re one of us reproductives, you know what I mean. How many of you came from the last nest? All of you? Right? I thought so. If you didn’t come over with the swarm, then you’re too young to be in this bar! Was that other nest crowded or what? It was so crowded over there, they made the soldiers keep their big jaws outside. I had to leave my back wings at the front door. It was so hot, so crowded, and it smelled so bad. I thought I was in an ant hill. Speaking of ant hills, can you believe that people think our African termite mounds are ant hills? As if. They’re ants, not engineers. Last time I saw an ant in a termite mound, he was cut in half. Hey why don’t fire ants and red ants mate? Their larva would be too lazy to bite.

 If you ask me, ants are living proof that wasps mated with slugs. Ants wish they were termites. For one thing, ants have wing envy. And they have a little, bitty thorax, ever noticed that? There can’t be much of a brain in there. The only thing dumber than an ant is two ants. How many ants does it takes to change a light bulb? Ten Million. 9,999,999 to cut and stack the blades of grass and one to change the bulb. An ant walked into a termite bar and ordered a beer. The bartender, who was a soldier termite, said, “We don’t have very many ants come in here.” The ant said, “Why, is your beer warm? Are the girls cold? Are your prices too high?” The bartender soldier suddenly cuts off the ant’s thorax with his pincers and said, “I don’t know.” Ants are so dumb. They live in a tree and don’t eat the wood! And have you smelled their pheromones? Whew! No wonder they always find their way back to the nest. I wouldn’t touch an ant with a ten-foot antenna. I wouldn’t touch an ant with your antennae, as far as that goes. How many of you males here are thorax men? Not me. I’ve got a thorax of my own and I’m not impressed. I don’t like legs either. I like a great, big abdomen. I want a mate with an abdomen so big it takes me a day to walk around it. I want an abdomen so big I need a GPS device to find my way home. I’m gonna’ pack a lunch and camp out on that big abdomen until I’ve mapped it like the human genome project. What about yesterday’s swarm, anyway? All those bodies flying every way, wings furiously flapping, sounding like zuzuvelas! And that was just in Madonna’s wooden leg. Speaking of Madonna, she’s the only one I know who’s had more lovers than our last Queen. That last Queen of ours, boy, did she have some stretch marks or what? She was so distended that she had an entire colony trapped under her--the colony of Williamsburg. She said she’s only had three mates—the last generation of termites and the two before that. What about that poison people spray around their houses? Oooooh, I’m so scared. I’m getting so immune, I started using it for cologne until it killed my last date. She was pretty young, though, and hadn’t built up a tolerance. The way I see it, what doesn’t kill a termite, just makes him mad. Nietzsche said that, I think. Seriously, though, people should just leave a pile of two by fours out in the yard for us. I like eating two by fours. I’d leave their home alone if they did that, wouldn’t you? I don’t eat much. A two by four would feed me, my wife, and all the kids for a thousand generations. I heard this comedy club sometimes pays their comics with rubber checks. I prefer wooden nickels. I can spend them or eat them. These lights are so hot, I feel like I’m being fried in my own fat. Can you believe people eat termites? I guess that doesn’t surprise me, since we’re so soft and tasty, especially our Queens, but people also eat those ants with the hard shells. YUK! People put anything in their mouths! Thanks for coming to this part of the log for the show, ‘mites. I’ll be here all decade with matinees on Sunday. Try the pulp in the buffet and don’t forget to tend your larva."

Written by Leroy, designed by Laurie, Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved