Termites, and how to avoid stepping on one.

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The Four Best Top-Ten Termite Lists

Top Ten Things That Termites Are

10. Termites are destructive.
9. Termites are disgusting.
8. Termites are tasty when lightly fried.
7. Termites are above or below ground.
6. Termites are feared on new construction sites.
5. Termites are crispy when toasted.
4. Termites are social insects.
3. Termites are being researched as a possible solution to dependence on oil.
2. Termites are hard to detect in a home until there is damage.
1. Termites are a nice addition to that boring "bees and ants" trail mix.

Top Ten Things That Termites Are Not

10. Termites are not easy to eliminate.
9. Termites are not villains in a Steven King novel, at this point.
8. Termites are not politicians, although they bear some resemblance.
7. Termites are not only afraid of ants, they've evolved to survive ant attacks.
6. Termites are not content to eat just a little of your home's foundation.
5. Termites are not found on Craigslist. Termite killers are, however.
4. Termites are not good neighbors, especially if you live in a log cabin.
3. Termites are not represented by a constellation or horoscope sign.
2. Termites are not unpaid interns.
1. Termites are not on the menu in most US restaurants.

Top Ten Things That Termites Do

10. Termites do eat cellulose, producing a disproportionate amount of hydrogen during their digestive process.
9. Termites do protect their nests with soldiers that have giant jaws and toxic glue-guns built into their heads.
8. Termites do fry well in their own body fat.
7. Termites do have multiple kings and queens in a colony.
6. Termites do help their queen ambulate around the nest when her abdomen distends during egg production.
5. Termites do provide protein to farmers planting their crops in Africa.
4. Termites do cause severe crop loss in Asia and Africa.
3. Termite tunnels do effectively aerate crop fields, thereby reducing erosion and improving the soil's water absorption.
2. Termites contribute heartily to their ecosystem by creating mounds that subsequently provide shade and housing to other species.
1. Termites do need their wings removed by winnowing before cooking.

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Top Ten Things That Termites Don't Do

10. Termites do not maintain their social networking pages very well.
9. Termites don't schedule press conferences. They prefer to remain hidden.
8. Termites don't like poisoned topsoil--neither does your local water table.
7. Termites do not taste like chicken. They taste nutty.
6. Termites don't like to have their giant Tanzanian dirt mounds called "crazy African anthills."
5. Termites don't ignore their soldiers. They feed them because the soldiers have giant ant-snapping jaws and cannot feed themselves.
4. Termites do not publish their internal hydrogen-producing chemical reactions in any medical journals, requiring research into their methods by the US Department of Energy.
3. Termites never catch-on to the old "net-by-a lamp-at-night" trick used to harvest termites for quick on-the-go snacks.
2. Termites don't chew through cement, but they can chew through lead and soft plastic.
1. Termites don't salt themselves to taste.